I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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