the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
