This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
