remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
