I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
