i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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