today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
