Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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