my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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