i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
