before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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