Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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