Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
