Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
