How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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