He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
worst night to have a conscience
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
