Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
