Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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