I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
