I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
