Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
