dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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