I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Randomize
