I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
