I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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