You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
