Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
