She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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