I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
