I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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