hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
