in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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