I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
