I cannot find my penis.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
