also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
