I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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