Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
