I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
