My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
