I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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