There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
