I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
