You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
