I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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