Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
