Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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