3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
