I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
