Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
