I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
