i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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